Sta.sh
The world's heart becomes fainter as it begins to crumble
The world's voice trembles with fear as it cries for help go unanswered
The intensity of the world's aches increase as it begins to take its final breaths
The end of the world begins to be set in motion.
Many can't hear, see, or feel it
But I can feel it as the soil beneath my feet grows thinner each day
I can hear its SOS that is embedded in the wind while the wind howls
I see its pain as nature's time begins to perish.
The world has told me by dawn its time will be gone
The world has told me by dawn all life will perish with it
The world has told me there is still time to save the sands of its life
The world has told me I can't save it alone.
But if you come with me there is still hope
We'll vanquish the sickness that drains the world's life force
We'll protect all life that rest within the earth
We'll be in perfect sync with nature and the earth because we'll become them.
The world's plants shall bear the fruits of our love
The world's winds shall carry the scent of our love across the universe
The world's rivers and oceans shall be filled with our love's waters.
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Firstly, I like the hopeful title. It makes me hope that a nice happy poem is following.
Now, the crit:
The first thing I see is that the poem is nicely S, but within each ST there is very little to no P. There is a period at the end of each stanza, but nothing within it. You've given us the ingredients for a fantastic meal and said 'go ahead, make it what you want', which is not what you want as a poet. You want to show the reader where they need to put a breath, where they need to place a pause - you need to show them what you imagined in your head so that their final product comes out somewhat like you imagined. It's your work, don't hinder it by not including something as vital as P.
ST 1:
L2: 'as it cries for help go unanswered' should perhaps be 'cried for help that goes unanswered'
L4: 'begins to be set in motion' should perhaps just be 'is set in motion'
ST 2:
L3: 'sos' shoudl be 's.o.s.'
L3: 'while' should be 'when'
ST 3:
/
ST 4:
L1: there should be a comma after 'me'
L3: 'rest' should be 'rests'
ST 5:
/
Summary:
Your G is basically very good, except for the points I mentioned.
You will notice that I haven't mentioned P in the ST except just once, that is because if I was to punctuate each ST for you this crit would be 10x longer. P is something you need to figure out for yourself as the poet.
Your S & F are good, even without the P.
You have great imagery that is almost hidden by the P problems. If you sort out the P your imagery will shine like a beacon in the dark poetry world.
Overall:
Jo
very well written, and true.
I am with you in this conquest!
Cheers!
rikku